Our bravest contributors have shared with us some of their more earnest efforts from the misty past. Scary Bush should not be reviewed while in the process of drinking liquids, and the reader assumes all risk.
Climax from “Wasted”
Lee Bevins (age fourteen)
Ben Spurlock’s head lay at his feet. Billy stared at it for a few seconds, stunned. He saw that his buddy had died with a gruesome look on his lips.
He looked up to see the monster’s face before his. It was as tall as him and Billy’s eyes were stuck to the face. It was ape-like, with giant yellow, bloodstained fangs. It had one eye, like a Cyclops and that eye was staring at him.
He dropped the crowbar.
He noticed something else; the ape-creature’s mouth was open. Open and coming for him.
That sobered him up real quick.
Polygamy Is Like A Skating Rink Or
Polygamy slides off the tongue
like raw oysters on a half shell
with one half
but slick nonetheless
how the whole thing
in the restaurant
BEGIN VOICE MAIL PLAYBACK
This is Joan McLain calling, ah, returning your call about Andy the dog sitter. Just got home and got your message. Yes, I would absolutely recommend Andy.
He came to pet sit and house sit for my mom's dog when my mom went away for six weeks, ummm last year. We didn't know him from Adam but he had been recommended by somebody from my sister's ah, my sister's dog blog in San Francisco, saying this was a great guy, apparently.
Well, when we hired him, he said he worked for free but took tips. So we kind of left it at that, though, but as it turned out he ended up working more than six weeks, he ended up working seven, ah you know, maybe like five months cause my mom, who was elderly, got hung up in Florida, couldn't travel, etcetera.
And God love him, he stayed and, and ah, took care of Wally and, I'm telling ya, you will never find a man who loves dogs as much as Andy does. He took, he used to take Wally with him everywhere. He would go visit old folks at old folks' homes, and he would take Wally.
Now mind you, Wally is like a twelve-pound dachshund chi wow wow, but ah ya, he's great with the dogs, absolutely great.
I liked him very much. He's a little bit of an odd guy, not in, ah, not in any kind of a bad way. He's, I think he's very honest. I didn't have any problem with that, and again, he was really accommodating. So if you have any further questions, feel free to call me, but yes, he's -
His girlfriend is lovely too. Her name is Tracey, and there was a time when, you know, given he was staying longer than he had certainly anticipated. Tracey would stay and watch Wally and to make a long long story short she ended up keeping Wally because my mom, at 94, had to move out.
END OF VOICE MAIL PLAYBACK
Gabriel Congdon (Excerpt from a stream of consciousness journal from a decade ago)
Noir Detective: She invited me up, I had had a few drinks so I said sure. When we got back to her house The room was tidy clean, and I mean CLEAN. Their was a sad Chet baker album in the background that collided with the smoke rings. All her flowers were plastic and so were the cushions. She used ostrich feathers as a duster. I asked her
A: Hey. Dame. Who produced the feather?
B: Why don’t you let up about the damn feathers. They are not a priority of yours, buster!
From that moment I knew she was arsenic and wine. I needed a scapegoat and I needed one quick. I said
A: Hey you got any dogs
B: What kind of dogs?
A: You know the usual. Labs, retrievers, bulldogs.
B: You wanna know about dogs?
A: Not just any dog kid, YOUR dog.
B: He’s in the back he’s a Shiatsu and his name is Estragon.
A: Can I let him in?
B: You wanna let my dog in?
B: Why the hell would you wanna let my damn dog in?!
I knew my time was short, and that this broad would explode. She was a Norma Desman with out the age.
A: It’s nothing babe I’m a dog person that’s all, I have 5 at home [I only had 2] I just wanna bring him inside, it’s cold out there.
B: I see well, I guess it’s fine.
She said it like she just came out of Déjà vu. So my plan was to hop the fence when I got outside, and that’s what I did, it all went fine.
That’s the story. I even remember that crazy dame’s name it was _________’_ ______.