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Sarah Beddow

re: Ice in April

The roads this morning were treacherous / with ice and I don’t want / to write this The metaphors are obvious I’m / cold I’m on / thin ice I’m risking my / health my life / for this job / It is April 5 and the roads are covered / in ice Twice I lost control of the car   When I pulled into the school / driveway I sobbed   and sobbed I wished more than once I / had / crashed Then I’d be / excused First period had already begun and  / K and T had been burying their noses in their phones had been ignoring their work   had been / shitting on me / for days   I cried / more in the bathroom   I / had to go back into / that room   no space / between their drama and the ice that melted miles before I arrived at school / making me into a liar   a fraud / When I was in high school my friends talked about me / in the locker room made lists / of dudes I fucked but   I was / a virgin I sucked boys off but those boys were   smart and didn’t / tell   Still / somehow / those girls     knew / about me Back then there were no cell phones no / texts no / high-speed dramas that sucked us away from / here and now   Now / I have nothing but / here and now / the walls surrounding   me the numbing ice

re: Car Speakers

Pitty, pitty, pitty pat
Why you always doing that?
Why you always talking smack?

- Grimes and Janelle Monáe, “Venus Fly”

Skip skip play Why you looking at me   Why / you / looking at me  / now  / Louder and more  / all the drive home / Repeat And no one   / looks at me  / Repeat / No one looks at me in first  / period either Usually they look at me  / in advisory but today   / C talked about a creepy customer she had to help at Journeys   and how she buzed H over and over and over to come up and get the guy to go away   How / important / as a girl   to have a boy who knows and will bounce assholes   When I waited tables there was one   / man who touched me a lot   / on the waist  / Repeat  / the arm again his arm around my waist I / refused to wait on him Well / I refused after my manger suggested   that guy was a creep   and why not / just avoid him Let / my manager   wait the table when fuckhead came   / in   I tried to tell this story to C and H to explain  / how to protect yourself   as a woman in a public space   / to tell H about his responsibilities as a   man who understands But they didn't see me / Repeat / after I listened to their story   In first period  / it's mean girls  / talking when I ask them not to  / talking when I sit on their table   / my ass inches from their talking / talking / talking mouths and faces  / Why you always talking / smack No one looks at me  / Repeat  / Driving home I say it Drivers can't hear me don't see me Fuck you stay / in your lane / Repeat / And bitch if you are in my room / I will call your shit out to / your face Your faces  / in my room   turned from me I am not invisible  / I am body filled with  / feelings   history of touch  / I pound on the / feelings with bass from blown car speakers Why you looking at Repeat me   / the mean girls ask   Mind your business  / they say Sweet girls haven't you realized     You / are / my business

re: Big Dick

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I am fuzzy with   rye and heating pad   Yesterday   Ms. Jay / walked into a chair or a desk and she swore in pain  / Shit / Dick  / Fuck And    / just   / so many dick jokes to be made But I went with  / You know   I could really use some  / dick   right about now   When I bought   / another bottle of rye at the state store tonight I thought of Claire   / who I worked with at Tara Mandala   She was / broke and we went to Whole Foods   / She bought a giant bar   of Kiss my Face   / Big soap for the money   / she said holding up the bar   / to her face I grab the big bottle of Bulleit   from the shelf  / Big rye   for the money Our / welcome back speech from the CEO last August was a / long     long     speech about baseball and / I couldn't listen anymore because idgaf   about baseball / but it ended with / 17 inches    / 17 inches is our motto this year Apparently / that's the size of home plate and something something / we / don't change the size of home plate   whatever   It was a bad / analogy   and I couldn't follow beyond  / the eight-minute anecdote about a ball player from decades ago   But / boy   howdy how many times did she say  / 17 inches   17 inches   / We at Frontier are committed to 17 / inches    / It's hard   but we persevere   A long   hard   year   / A nice big dick for the money

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