The Monks' Nocturnal Emissions
Early Christian monks considered themselves warriors
in the service of God, and their battlefield was the body.
Fanatical about any pleasurable bodily function
that appeared out of their judicious control,
nocturnal erections and emissions
became a battleground to preserve their chastity.
The monks, bewildered by this blatant, sinful challenge
to their celibacy, blamed depraved succubi,
irresistible female demons, who tempted and tantalized them
with their breathtaking naked bodies writhing against them
in a perpetual orgy of licentiousness especially
when they were asleep and vulnerable to attack
but also in daydreams during Mass when they were praying.
To combat this habitual enticement, the monks tied
metal crucifixes to their genitals before going to bed.
This practice of employing charms to preserve continence evolved
from gladiators fighting in the Roman arena, who tied pieces
of cold metal against their testicles the night before combat
to prevent nocturnal ejaculations, which, they feared,
would decrease their strength in the next day's contests.
The Richest Man in Phrygia
Xerxes on his march to Greece stopped in Cleaena,
where Pythins, the richest man in Phrygia, lived.
To impress the king, Pythins provided a feast for Xerxes' entire army,
a force so enormous that it emptied rivers with its thirst.
Pythins also offered the king all his wealth and his five sons
for the glorious campaign against Greece.
The next day after a total eclipse of the sun, an omen of failure for Xerxes,
Pythins reconsidered and begged the mighty king to permit his eldest son
to remain with him as a comfort in his old age and his future heir.
Xerxes, outraged that the old man would fail to honor the gift of his sons,
as warriors, dismissed his four youngest sons immediately.
The eldest son, the one for whom Pythins had pleaded,
Xerxes had his throat slit and ordered that his body be hewn in half
and displayed on either side of the road out of town
so that the entire army would march between
the two pieces of the severed corpse.
The Devil's Penis
"The devil's penis is long as an arrow,
thick as an axle, and hard as granite,"
swore thirteen-year-old Jeanette d'Abache
to her inquisitors,"and it's covered with sharp fish scales
that tore me open inside each time he would thrust it
within me making me shriek and moan with aching pain
as if I had been severed in half by a sword up to my bowels,
and afterward I was so sore that I could barely stagger away
bleeding down my thighs and dripping his semen
that was colder than melting snow."
At the head of every Roman army
that marched into battle
rode a half-naked girl on horseback.
With her breasts exposed,
she represented the Venus of Victory,
a goddess like Ishtar devoted to love and war,
a restorer of life for the wounded and dead.
Her nakedness also reminded the men
that the victors of the battle,
those who survived the carnage,
those who fought bravely,
would be rewarded with all the spoils of war:
plundered valuables from the slaughtered
and repeated rape of those helpless survivors
deemed worth preserving until the next battle.
Written With Sperm
Whenever Quintin Aurleaous wanted to meet his married mistress,
he used a clever method to communicate his desires.
He would command his prettiest slave to appear and strip naked
before him. Then he would bend her over a couch and fornicate with her,
taking care at the moment of orgasm to drizzle his sperm onto a plate.
Then with a brush dipped in the opaque fluid, he would write a message
across the soft skin of her back between the collar bones
containing the place and time of the proposed assignation.
When the sperm dried, the message became invisible.
Then he would order the slave to dress, find his mistress,
and strip naked in front of her. A little powdered ash over the prearranged
area on the slave's back was enough to make the secret message visible.
Then a few strokes with a wet cloth destroyed all the evidence.